Reflections on Connection-Centered Leadership - Issue 26: The Missing Step

Photo Credit: Melissa Swonger; Garden of Gethsemane, Israel, 2019

Why do we keep doing what we don't want to do? It's one of humanity's oldest questions, and we're still asking it today.

Knowledge isn't the missing piece. There's a multi-billion-dollar self-help industry giving books, apps, and trainers at our fingertips. The internet proved that access to more knowledge was not the issue.

Spend a few minutes in almost any bookstore, podcast, or social media feed, and you'll encounter a familiar formula for change.

Become aware of the problem ➡ Decide what you want instead ➡ Take action.

There is something I have noticed after years of studying change and walking alongside people in seasons of growth. Most of us know far more than we practice.

We know we should set healthier boundaries. We know we should forgive. We know we should put the phone down, be more present with our families, have the difficult conversation, ask for help, rest, pray, or extend kindness when our first instinct is frustration.

We "should" on ourselves daily, which produces shame, blame, and fear. These can be powerful motivators...for short-term change. Then we're white-knuckling our way through 'til the next failure. If knowledge alone produced transformation, many of us would have experienced lasting change years ago.

Instead, we often find ourselves standing in familiar places, wondering why insight doesn't always become action, or sustainable action.

There's a belief that if we just become more aware, we'll reach a level of mindfulness where change takes root. Surely if we understood ourselves well enough, everything else would begin to fall into place.

Awareness is incredibly important. It is where growth begins. It just isn't where growth happens. Awareness isn't a destination. It's a doorway.

As I have continued studying psychology, neuroscience, leadership, trauma, organizational behavior, and theology, I have been fascinated by something I did not expect. These disciplines often arrive at remarkably similar conclusions while using entirely different language. Whether researchers are studying secure attachment, psychological safety, co-regulation, intrinsic motivation, resilience, or spiritual formation, they keep pointing toward the same reality.

The more I study change, the more convinced I become that awareness opens the door, connection reshapes us, and movement becomes the natural outcome. Transformation is deeply relational.

In other words, there is something between awareness and action that we often overlook.

Connection.

Perhaps that explains why so many of us become discouraged. We keep trying to change our behaviors while remaining disconnected from the very things that make change sustainable.

Disconnected from God. Disconnected from ourselves. Disconnected from one another. We were never designed to flourish that way.

Research increasingly suggests that our nervous systems regulate more effectively in environments of safety and trusted relationships. We become less preoccupied with protecting ourselves and more available to learn, create, collaborate, forgive, and lead.

Children learn through secure attachment before they become independent. Healthy teams perform better when people feel psychologically safe enough to contribute honestly.

Even our brains become more flexible when we move from protection toward connection. Although researchers study these questions from different angles, they continue to reach a similar conclusion: safety and trusted relationships create the conditions in which growth is more likely. Psychological safety gives way to psychological agency, which allows us to engage with a transformative system. When we feel safe enough to be honest, we become free enough to grow.

It makes me wonder how often we mistake willpower and discipline for the solution when what we are actually missing is relationship. Perhaps this is why self-improvement can become exhausting.

We consume another book. Listen to another podcast. Attend another conference. Save another inspirational quote or a post we're sure we'll read later -all good things! But we become remarkably informed while quietly wondering why nothing feels much different.

Information expands awareness. Connection changes us.

Think about a tree for a moment. The ancient olive tree in the photograph above has endured for centuries. I took this photograph in the Garden of Gethsemane during my trip to Israel. Its twisted trunk bears the marks of storms, drought, and the passing of generations, yet its strength has always depended on something few people ever notice.

We naturally notice the fruit because it is visible. If the fruit is unhealthy, our instinct is often to focus on what we can see. We prune a branch. We tie it up. We hope the next season looks different.

Master gardeners know the real work usually happens below the surface. They examine the roots. They look at the soil. They consider whether the tree is receiving the water and nutrients it was created to receive.

People are not so different. I recently wrote about the roots needing to be healthy and anchored deeper to make expansion possible. Our behaviors are often the fruit. Connection is the root system.

When we remain deeply connected to God, our identity becomes less dependent on performance. When we remain inwardly connected, we begin to respond to our emotions with honesty rather than avoidance. When we remain outwardly connected, we can experience encouragement, accountability, and a sense of belonging that help us continue growing even when change feels slow.

Movement becomes the natural outcome rather than something we have to force. The irony is that connection is not a distraction from growth. It is the environment where growth occurs.

Many of us bear down under stress through withdrawal and isolation. We begin the slow slide as we tell ourselves it's easier if "I just do it myself." "I don't need anyone's approval." "I don't have time (to send the text, email, phone call, share what's actually happening)." "I'm just focusing on me now." Etc. And one decision at a time, we disconnect from the very network and system that encourages change, life, and thriving.

Perhaps that is the missing step so many of us have been searching for. Not more information. Not greater willpower.

A deeper connection that reshapes how we think, how we lead, how we love, and ultimately, how we live.

Questions I'm asking this week:

Where have I been trying harder when what I really need is deeper connection?

What would change if I gave as much attention to the roots as I do the fruit?

Perhaps lasting change has never been about trying harder. Perhaps it begins by becoming more deeply connected to God, more honest with ourselves, and more present with one another.

— Melissa, Architect of Connection-Centered Leadership The Sage Hill Project

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